Inauguration..!!

“Arjun…Arjunnnnn….. hey idiot Arjunnnn…….” I heard at 7 in the morning as my alarm clock had exhausted it’s battery life. As usually I was in the US, sightseeing with Mr. Obama. I mean I was in my dreams. “Abeee Oyeeeeee” someone screamed again.

“Who the hell is that nut head??” I wondered, rolled and dived like an Olympic Gold medalist into the ground bruising my forehead over the floor. I stood up rubbing my head to realize that I was in my bed room and my trip was over. In other words, the night was over.

“Dabba nan magane (useless fellow)…Arjunnnnnnn…” I heard again. I walked to the front door and opened it to find Roshan with his jogging gear on.

“Hi da, what’s up?” I asked which pissed him off like crazy.

“Bloody damn ass. We decided to go jogging today… Don’t you remember?

“Did we? Isn’t it late now? Can we go now?” I enquired in an American accent.

“Yes We Can” he announced like Mr.Obama.

I walked back still rubbing my eyes convincing myself that I was awake now and I was in India. I too put on my jogging gear on, banged the door behind me and said to Roshan who was tying his shoe laces- “Don’t delay man. This is what I hate about you.”
He found a stone and pelted at me. Anyway, we finally hit the road, jogging along towards the park. As we jogged along, we discussed matters varying from national issues like- “If it was NIKE or REEBOK that was pelted at our Home minister” to local issues like- “The best Bunking strategy for the next day’s class.” He then noticed a street dog to his right and hence immediately shifted his position to the left of me. Anyway, we jogged along talking about this and that, though we were occasionally distracted by either very good looking girls or either very bad ones.

As the jogging had come to a halt and we were both puffing with our hands on our knees, we found a huge gathering a few meters ahead of us. The banner said- “Inauguration Of Nirmala Public Toilet.”
At first we thought, Mrs. Nirmala was the owner of this toilet, but then realized that ‘Nirmala’ meant ‘Clean’and not a name. As we read further we learnt that it will be inaugurated by a local MLA. And the most exciting and funny part was that free breakfast would be served after the inauguration. I was picturing a scene on my mind where Roshan runs to the toilet and asks- Is the breakfast ready?



Roshan who was standing with his eyes fixed to the newly built public toilet was lost in thoughts. I dint want to disturb him, so went to check out as to what was getting prepared for breakfast. Nice hot Kesari Bath was getting ready and I returned to Roshan to convey the good news. Roshan still stood staring at the public toilet as if he was staring at an ex-girl friend who’d ditched him. He finally, slowly turned to me and said with a low voice- “Dude, now I really need to go to the toilet.”

“Just by seeing a toilet??”

“Yeah man. That’s my weakness.”

“How tragic!!”

“I’m going in. Urgent” he said and walked towards it. People were tying the ribbon which the MLA was supposed to cut for the inauguration. He pushed a 10 rupee note to a cleaner and entered the toilet from under the ribbon. Meanwhile I walked to the dining area and enquired as to when the breakfast will be ready. Meanwhile, the MLA had arrived and Roshan was still inside the White-House. I climbed a nearby compound wall and watched the scene.

The MLA cut the ribbon and a loud round of applauds made its way. Just then, with ultimate grace, like in a fashion show, Mr.Roshan was seen walking out from inside and everyone looked with their eye brows hooked in amazement. The MLA gaped astonishingly and disgustingly at him in confusion. Roshan mustered a shameless smile and even more shamelessly said- “ Nice Toilet” smiled and hurried out like a sheep.

Anyway, finally we had the Kesari Bath and coffee after which I had to visit the White-House. Later, as we were ready to leave, I announced- “We have just ‘inaugurated’ a public toilet in the true sense of the word. I’m proud.”

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Totally Jammed.......!!!

I discovered a game of ‘car-race’ on my phone, I listened to some stupid radio station, I ate peanuts and I almost pulled off my hair, all while I was sitting alone in the driver’s seat of my car stuck in a mega traffic jam. I could only see an ocean of vehicles all around me. The traffic wasn’t moving a bit. It had been an hour now and I deduced that it was not a regular traffic jam. Meanwhile all the roadside sellers got busy selling peanuts, cucumbers and water packets. I called the ‘peanut-guy’ and asked – “What’s this traffic jam about?”

He said – “ Don’t you read the newspaper?” I usually give one chance before I bash up someone when they ask questions like that.

I said –“ I’m very poor. I don’t have money to buy a newspaper. Can you please tell me?”

He looked at me weirdly and said- “ There is a JD-S ( a political party here in Karnataka) rally going on. It might take at least another two hours to clear.”

“ How far ahead is the traffic blocked?”

“Around 5 kms” he said and asked if I wanted some peanuts.

“Yes” I said and gave him five bucks.

“You said you are poor and you don’t have money?” he asked. I dint slap him, I just smiled.

Okay, now it made sense. There were two big posters on both sides of the road in front of me with those party leaders all smiling along with a caption- “Sons of the soil.” I dint have any stones with me, so I dint pelt any on them. I then grabbed my phone out so that I could make a few calls to my jobless friends and pass time. Jeezzzz…. The network was jammed. Since I had switched off my car, I opened all the windows for some air. The guy in a car to the left of mine called out to me and asked- “ How do I have to go to reach ‘The Windsor Manor’?”

“ I guess, you’ve got to fly above all these vehicles here.” I said.

He turned to his people accompanying him in his car and would have said something like- “Look at that guy in that car. He’s such a dumb ass.” But he looked back at me with an irritating face and asked- “ After the traffic clears, which way should I go? Tell me properly.”

I’m not a dumb ass, so I replied- “ Same road ahead. About 5 kms from here.”

“Thank You” he said, which sounded like ‘Get Lost’.

On my right was a ‘Ford’ with a cool looking aunty sitting over the side closer to me. We both looked at each other and exchanged sad smiles. She relocated her sunglasses to her forehead and said- “ These politicians na, they are such idiots. Irresponsible idiots. See their posters, they are a shame and they say they are the ‘sons of the soil’.”

“Shall we send them back into the soil, aunty?”

“Haha. But, really they are senseless.”

“Yeah. They are our so-called ‘leaders’ and their sons (who are local rowdies) are our future leaders. You and I would only die of BP arguing about all this, but it makes no difference.”

Aunty liked me. She smiled and said- “ Yeah. That’s true. So since how long have you been a resident of Bangalore?”

“I was born here, aunty. I’m the ‘Son of the soil’.”

“haha. Good one.”

Anyway, then I got out of the car, stretched myself. Found a public telephone, called my parents and informed them that I will be late. I then spotted a police guy and thought about sharing the idea of ‘sending the sons of the soil back to the soil’ but then I would be counting rods of the prison door with a few complimentary strokes on my back. So, cleverly I went back to my car, reclined the seats to the extent, closed all the windows to three quarters and slept.

I dreamt of me roaming around in the US. Every time man….. every single time…

About two hours later, in between my dream and reality I heard sounds with 3D effects as if devils were entering. I suddenly woke up to find out that the vehicles behind me were honking and the traffic was moving. I put the car into ignition and started. After an hour and a half I reached my home, for dinner, ate the food, which was prepared as lunch originally and slept again. One heck of a ‘jammy evening’.

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Meet The Gods

Me and another three of my friends were recently on a trip to meet the gods of Tirupathi. Though I am not much into prayers and temples kind of stuff, I had no other option but to go with them. One of them, Vikram ( aka Flirt Ram) called me the previous day and said- " You are coming with us to Tirupathi tomorrow. The bus is at 8pm and the tickets are booked. See you at the bus stand" without even letting me reply. Well, those were orders issued by those assholes or rather politely known as friends. I wanted to express my due rights as a citizen of India, so called him back to say -'Screw you. I'm not coming to tirupathi n all'. Dialled his number, the caller tune sang - " All I want to say is they don't really care about us" . He picked up the phone and just as I was about to speak, he said -" Shut up. You are coming." he cut the phone. He deserved a tight bash on his nose.

Our exams had just finished the day before and hence I could guess why these guys wanted to go to Tirupathi. These fantastic friends of mine would go there after every semister exams and drop their exam 'hall-tickets' in the hundi and pray for good results. I used to laugh at it like hell when I had first heard of that, then got used to it, and now I am helpless about it. Man, in India they bribe even God.

Anyway, we met at the bus stand the next day, I gave Vikram one final chance before a nose bash, then left to meet Lord Venkateshwara. We talked all night in the bus and every once in an hour we got an unknown - "Sshhhh..." from behind, which we as irresponsible students dint care for. We reached the place early in the morning and Mr. Vikram guided us to the cottage as if he was a tour guide of that place. Then came the most interesting part- Breakfast. All had 6 items each along with a coffee. When the bill came , all had vanished into the 'hand wash' area leaving me alone. See..?? I went to the restroom, gave the bill to Vikram and said- "You are paying the bill. Thank You." though the 'thank-you' sounded more like 'Fuck You'.

Next we had to go the temple to as I call it -'meeting Lord Venkateshwara'. They dint like me saying that but hell, they wanted me to pay the bill. Screw them. It was a wait of more than 6 hours. I could have watched four english movies in 6 hours, I wondered. Anyway, out of that 6 hours, I slept for 3 hours. The remaining time, I was tackling all the Mr. and Mrs. Pushers. For me, this wait was more about the wonderful laddoo that they give as prasadam. Finally, we met God, they bribed him with their hall-tickets and fell to his feet. I collected and ate the laddoo. There was laddoo in the ghee instead of ghee in the laddoo. I loved it. The three of them had a glow on their faces as if they had already passed with distinctions in the exams. Anyway, it was eleven, so went back to the room, played cards and slept.

Next day was for little sight-seeing. The places were okay, but not really interesting to mention. After lunch, Mr. Vikram bribed Mr.Somebody and got a few extra laddoos for which I had no objection and we descended the hill into the city of Tirupathi. It was 3pm and our bus tickets were for the 11pm bus. We were strolling across a street, a street of half a kilometer having six cinema theatres in it. Now that Lord Venkateshwara will take care of their results, we could watch a movie. The temptations were such. All the six theatres were playing Telugu movies. Two of we four knowing telugu, we watched a movie called 'Ready'(not Reddy). I had to pay for the tickets, obviously. The movie was fun, though I had a torrid time translating those scenes and dialogues to them. Again a few "Sshhh..'s....." from behind. But we hadn't changed into responsible students even after a meeting with God. Anyway, we had dinner in a 3 star hotel when we came to know it was Vikram's treat and then left back to Bangalore, watching the dubbed version of 'Dhoom' in telugu in the bus. More serious the movie became the more we laughed. Anyway, we reached Bangalore early morning. The next few weeks of vacations went on with movies, girl friends and theme parks.

3 months later, came our results. The two guys failed in 2 subjects each. Mr. Vikram failed in four. I, as always, managed with a first class.

" Jai Lord Venkateshwara"

P.S- This is partly fiction. I wrote it when I was in my laziest best. So, don't contemplate too much if it sounded dull. If any of you three guys read this, I hope this is enough for you not to invite me for your next trip to 'Meet The God'. For others, congrats for surviving through the post. Thank You ( This 'thank you' only means- Thank You)

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Mamma Mia ... !!

One boring Sunday evening, with 'Monday blues' already encroached into our minds, me and my friend decided to head off someplace with our destination undecided. You might wonder, how jobless people we were. I tell you, this is fun sometimes. Only sometimes. I gave the honour of riding the bike to my friend. For the first time in his history and my life, the speedometer never crossed 30km/hr over a ride of about 30mins. I imagined - if I was a celebrity, this one would have made it into the headlines of few crappy news channels in India. Something like -"Arjun was spotted in a bike moving not more than 30kms/hr. What could be the reason? please sms your opinions to this number. We have our correspondent live from Bangalore to give more details about this shocking revealation." I was dreaming. I was loving it.
We were heading towards the heart of the city. Sunday evening, no traffic at all. Heaven. He still never crossed the 30 km/hr mark. I got anxious, so shouted loud at him against other sounds of the surroundings - " Are you awake??" Din't get a reply. With a louder voice, I shouted again - "Are you alive??"
"Yes of course you asshole. You would have been sorting out issues in hell if I were asleep." he said politely.
I shouted back - " You are in good mood."

"Lucky for you."

" Thank You."




We passed through Cubbon Park which now, in the dark looked like a jungle. Then came this huge 16 storeyed building, a mall, and an office complex. It's called the UB City. UB is Vijay Mallya's . That meant - High Class. It also meant - Very decently dressed girls in red. Think about that. We can have a debate sometime.
I said - "Stop. Lets checkout this place."
He was awake and hence stopped. The mall was about only 80% complete. Hence there had not been publicity about it, so that meant less people. Something that I can pay for, being in B'lore. We entered in. An F1 model car was at the entrance. My dosth observed it for half an hour. I was passing time, looking out for girls in red. I wan't to meet Vijay Mallya someday. Okay, by the looks of this mall, it was High Class to the high-class. We were only dreaming to be High Class. I mean we were students. Not even our grades were high class.

Anyway, we went window shopping. I swear I hadn't even heard of those names. The outlets, I mean. As a fact we weren't dressed up aptly. Who knew we would end up here . In one of those outlets, we could find some civilization. Attractive, foreign homo-sapiens that too. He said, "I need to buy a pair of shoes for myself. Come on lets have a look. " I thought that was a joke but then we entered the stall, the doors of which were opened by a guy with a wide smile on his face. I thought, I should write to Mallya about this.To replace that guy by a girl. He went straight to the shoe section and enquired a pretty stall girl (of course) about what his shoe size would be. I've never seen a person who could spend half an hour sorting out 'shoe size' matters. He tried out a few of them as well. Poor girl, she must have been thinking that we had rich fathers who gave us credit cards or debit cards.
Anyway, this guy finally came to a conclusion. His size was 9. "Shall I show you few more different varieties, Sir?" She enquired. He asked her - " What's the price of this?"

"It's Rs. 9,700, Sir." she replied. Mamma Mia

He came to me and opened his wallet- There was Rs 40 and some dirt in it. He digged out my wallet from my pocket and discovered Rs.50. Arrogant guy. Anyway, we had a magic figure of Rs.90. He turned back to the girl and said the most stupid thing I've ever heard. He said - "Haha. No . Just that, my Birthday is coming up, so hinting my friend about my shoe size."

She replied - " My boss had hinted me about people like you."

I said to my mind - Mamma Mia

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